Thursday, June 4, 2009
I dont care if anyone is gonna read this or not. But Im just saying things out for my own sake. I just wanna relieve myself. arrrrrrrrrg.
Yknw, each time when I sit in a 300 bus(note: everyday), and pass by the 404 flat, I'll be staring at one particular house. That, is of course where my dad used to live. I dont even know where he stays now. Pathetic kan? Its been months since I last talked to him otp and met him. Even if he calls, its not me whom he wishes to talk to, it'll be either my mom or little sister. See, each time i see that house, I'll be freaking down & Idk why. It just reminds me of my dad who never cares less for me since I was born, seriously. I emphasise this again, SINCE I WAS BORN, okay.
Im not like my little sister who is shameless to keep contacting my dad for electronic devices, yet, he still loves her. If i was the one who did so, I would have to wait for years and then I'll get those stuffs. My sister is very pampered, thats why she's very disobedient & rude to many people at home especially Mom. Even my mom loves my little sister more. At times, I ask myself, "Why should I be doing well in school, trying my best to make my family proud, work hard without any moral support from my family, when Im getting no one's love nor attention at home? Whats more, seeing my report book with good grades doesnt make a difference to any of my family members. its always my little sister who gets everything. In addition, my dad has never ever hold onto my report book nor praise me, give me a hug or at least, pat me on the shoulders." Its true my dad has never touch my report book before. Flip to the very first page and you'll see that slip, left unsigned by my dad. What kind of dad is he? Im really disappointed.
Oh yes, there's this advertisement at Suria, asking people to send pictures of their dads as superheroes. Looking at that advertisement, I kept saying to myself, "When has my dad ever became a superhero for me?". His absence, really affects me even though we never stay under one roof before. Its because of him, Im not religiously educated & because of that, I always get scolded and demoralized by my mom. I've never feel warm and welcomed being at home. Plus I got no DAD to depend on. I want a Dad, please? If anyone were to buy me a present for my birthday, please please buy me a Dad. If only Dads can be bought, I'll be the first to get one. I want a loving and understanding dad like Nadd's & Ein's, a cute, patient and outgoing mom like Usmah's, a pair of concerned parents like Aqilah's, a dad who has high hopes for his child like Fitri's. Can this wishlist of mine be granted? Anyone, please? Nevertheless, Im very happy to be born in this family.
All I need is a Dad, & after that, I bet my family will be good people. I dont want to lose my mom, coz I have not done my part in repaying everything she've gone through to bring us, 5 sibilings, up. I dont want to lose my grandma, she's just everything I wished for. I dont want to lose my siblings, coz they make me happy by making themselves happy. In other words, Im just sharing happiness with them. But my dad, I really dont want to lose him or hate him more. But, he's never done exactly anything for my own good. People, define DAD for me, please. ):
I envy my friends for having a complete family. Though they face many ups and downs in the family, still, its COMPLETE. Unlike mine. Thats why I always dislike seeing my friends, acting rude towards their moms or dads. Some of them have parents which are already divorced, yet, they still get the love and attention from both parties. Me? What do I get? My parents are not even divorced. They are just living SEPARATELY. I get neither my mom nor my dad's attention and love. Thats why, be thankful people, for being born in a complete family.
My family, they have never gave the moral support and strength to do anything. In fact, I have to have the will to do things myself, and thats why Im sort of doing well in school. People say Im independent. Yeah, its all because of the lack of moral support that Im independent now. I work hard for exams, without anyone's help just to prove to my family, I dont need their help to make me strive. But sadly, it doesnt affect them at all. How saddening can that be? Im never pampered at home. That is the reason why I dont get good phones, money, cameras and everything i wished for that all normal teens have. I have to work hard to get those stuffs. While other teens just need to open their mouth, utter a few words, and poof, they'll get it. Heaven or what?
I just wish that I am able to share this with someone, but jyeah, Im not open when it comes to this kind of stuffs. Afraid that people might say im
Friends, I wanna apologise. I know Im sort of rude nowadays or since last time. Im sorry if you guys think Im very "mengada-ngada"/pampered in school. But, Im like this, coz I want things to be in the way I want as I dont get to do so at home. Im harsh/rude coz at home, Im the one who always have to obey to people's words. Im mengada-ngada/pampered towards you guys coz I've never got that feeling at home. Im really sorry, I'll try to change. I may look happy and outgoing on the outside but Im not like that inside. Just be there for me, please.(note:Im losing my bestfriend)Oh yeah, please dont be afraid to scold me at any time, coz even when I say Im not afraid of you guys, deep inside, I am coz I never never never wish to lose any of you. Thanks a zillion. Please dont say you guys are afraid of me. I hate it. Just do what you think is right for me. I love you, people.
I've never said this before but I need a warm hug, please.
Im in tears right now.